So last Sunday, Little Joe and I were taking it easy, watching movie previews, lazing around in our pajamas way past noon, eating second breakfast, and I was getting around to some much needed house cleaning that I didn't have time to do all week. Like bleaching our moldy Sigg bottle tops, which is the only time we ever use a non-biodegradable cleaner in our house. Sigg bottles are the best, we use them all day, every day, but the tops are prone to black mold on the rubber rings.
Big Joe, as usual, was working in his studio, but was taking a quick break to grab some trail mix and check out the Coraline preview I had open on my computer. I was getting food out of the fridge to make lunch when he stopped in, gave me a quick hug and left. When I turned around I noticed a full glass of water on the kitchen counter which I swore wasn't there before. Big Joe tends to be like an absent minded professor when he's working - pouring himself a glass of water and then leaving it in odd places like on top of the bookshelf or on the lid of the toilet. So I figured it must be his and brought it to him. "Here," I chided, "you forgot this in the kitchen." Not looking away from the movie preview he took the glass, raised it to his lips and took a large swallow. Instantly his face distorted, he spat the liquid on to the floor, and ran to the bathroom sink. Simultaneously I realized that the glass of 'water' was actually the glass of diluted bleach I'd used to soak the bottle tops in. Normally, once I remove the bottle tops I toss out the bleach, but that day I thought I'd be thrifty and re-use the bleach on the moldy grout in our shower. Only I'd forgotten that I was going to do that. "It's bleach!" I gasped. "I'm so sorry!"
Big Joe, to his credit, in between pouring copious amounts of water into his mouth and gargling furiously, started laughing. "You gave me bleach to drink?" In panic mode, I ran over to the hall closet to grab the bleach bottle to figure out what to do if someone swallows it. But not only did the Clorox bleach bottle not have big toxic warning symbols on it, but the fine print was so tiny I could barely read it. Especially as I was freaking out. All I could find were instructions if bleach were to get on your skin or in your eyes. Nothing for ingesting it. However, I vaguely remembered reading somewhere that the best thing for swallowing bleach is a glass of milk. So I got him that, which helped.
Fortunately he hadn't swallowed the bleach solution completely, it had gone part of the way down his throat and then promptly came back up. After he managed to calm the burning sensation in his mouth and throat a little, he tried to get back to work, but then felt dizzy and sick and had to lay down for the rest of the day. He still thinks it's funny. His scorched tongue and throat recovered. And his teeth are much whiter. But oh my god. What if I'd killed him? And what is it called if you almost unintentionally kill someone? Attempted manslaughter is an oxymoron. I guess you just call it near fatal stupidity. He kindly didn't tell anyone about my moronic tendencies that nearly took his life. Thank the powers that be I didn't give that glass to my son. And wow, I still can't believe Big Joe took it so well. If it had been me, I'd have been livid. Did I choose a good man or what?
This incident suddenly made me think about this guy at the food co-op who was a squad leader. I'd been assigned to his squad many years ago and he'd sexually harrassed me several times, until I left. Feeling embarrassed and angry, and having had an experience in college where a teacher had sexually harrassed me and I'd reported it and nothing was done, I chose to just avoid him. Then several years later, I ran into him at the co-op and he harrassed me again, I came out in tears, and Big Joe spoke to the office to see if anything could be done. They told him I should write a letter and a formal complaint was filed, which was the precursor to a formal hearing where we'd both have to be present. Having to face him and talk about everything that had happened made me want to drop the case altogether. Only a month and half later, he died. Apparently he'd had a bad heart.
So don't mess with me. I absent mindedly almost kill my loved ones and inadvertently bring on heart attacks for the ones I despise. I'm like
Serial Mom and
Mr.Magoo combined.
-------------------------
On a lighter note, I found some budget toys to supplement the cardboard ones I make for Little Joe. Basically most anything in the cellar at Pearl River - our favourite store. Last week he was enamoured with a foam rubber (?) caterpillar he discovered for only $1.25. You put this caterpillar in a jar of water and three days later it grows 600% bigger (according to the package insert.) Big Joe said it looked like a big turd. But Little Joe couldn't have been happier. It reminded me of the toys I sent away for on the back of comic books when I was a kid. I futilely tried to 'throw my voice' with this little piece of metal that you stick under your tongue, watched in vain for my 'sea monkeys' to grow and look like the cartoon illustration, and continued to buy various other crap that never worked but kept me entertained for hours. The caterpillar turd at least grew just like it said it would.