FAQ or Why I don't get Steve Martin's appeal

Here they are in no particular order, the answers to the burning questions you've all wanted to know but were too lazy to ask.

*If you checked your sense of humour at the door, have a nice big piece of chocolate cake (or a bottle of tequila), get back in bed with a good book (or with your lover) and check back in with me tomorrow. On second thought, don't bother.

1. I just started reading your blog and I don't have time to go back and read all the archives. But I need to know, who is Big Joe? Is he your landlord?
I suppose. In a manner of speaking, technically it is his house. Only I don't pay rent. But more to the point, he's my old man, my confidante, my main squeeze, and the father of our son, Little Joe. For more on the genesis of their blog names look here and here.

2. Is Bed-Stuy a safe place to live (for a young white person)?
If you have to ask, then no, it isn't. But I hear there's an empty bunk bed available in the NYU dorms.

3. I'm a journalism student and instead of having to read all the posts on your blog could you encapsulate everything you've learned in living there for four years in a 10,000 word essay? Oh and by the way, it's due Monday. If that isn't possible, if you could meet with me immediately and introduce me to all your family, friends and neighbours so I could conduct extensive invasive interviews with them, that would work too.
Ha ha ha. That's really funny. Oh my god! I'm laughing so hard, my lunch is coming out my nose. Are you sure you're not interning at Comedy Central?

4. Why don't you install a washer and dryer in your house instead of complaining endlessly about your laundromat?
Do you have a washer and dryer you'd like to donate? Because we'll take them. Maybe you could pay our water bills too. Actually in a perverse way, I love going to our laundromat. It's a way of interacting with the people in my neighbourhood that I'd actually miss if I didn't. Besides they have AC 24 hours a day, the latest movies, junk food and television!

5. Your carnage posts are too much. You make me embarrassed to be vegetarian. Tone it down!
Aww, get that organic carrot out of your butt. And while you're at it, you can kiss mine. My organic carrot that is.

6. I passed this Asian lady and her kid coming out of a brownstone yesterday. Was that you?
Was she scowling, muttering under her breath about the 'damn hipsters', wearing a wrinkled dress, had dark circles under her eyes, scraggly grey hair, and falling down her stoop with several bursting bags of dirty laundry? Yup. That was me. But seriously, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm really a white dude with a trust fund living in a mansion in the Hamptons. In fact, Blognigger and I belong to the same yachting club.

7. I'm a big fan of your blog, where are those fair-trade chocolate dipped bananas you promised? I'm a firm believer in false advertising. Now go bother some big corporation whom you might actually get something from if you complained. I hear Taco Bell gives out coupons for free burritos to unhappy customers.

8. I'm a painfully hip club promoter who publicizes rave-like parties in Brooklyn that cost $20 to get in. Please come with Big and Little Joe, pay the full admission x3 and promote our gigs!
Ha ha ha!!! Come on, it's that comedian again. Man you are too good. Tell me when you're performing next. I'll be there in the front row with all my friends. Or maybe this 'party' is your comedy gig? Sorry I missed it.

9. I'm _______ (fill in the blank - Chinese/Canadian/Indonesian/a mother/from Vancouver) too and live or used to live in Bed-Stuy. What a coincidence!!!
Once I bought a shirt by a 'hot' designer for Target and the first day I wore it I came across this woman wearing the exact same shirt in Union Square. But instead of laughing at our mutual consumer idiocy, she gave me major stink-eye and stormed away.

10. I grew up in Bed-Stuy, my parents grew up here, my grandparents grew up here, my great grandparents built the house you live in. You and your blog are mocking everything my family has stood for over the centuries. You'll never fit in. You'll never be one of us, no matter how much you try.
I'm not here to promote anyone, help you find you a new apartment or write the definitive tome on the challenging history of African-Americans in Bedford Stuyvesant. This blog, like all personal blogs, is just self-congratulatory masturbation. So if you like to watch, keep tuning in. Otherwise, go join Super PC Vegetarian in a shot of wheatgrass juice or something else equally vile and too good for you.

11. What have you got against hipsters?
Let me tell you a secret about hipsters. They love bad press. And since no true hipster would ever admit to being one, I'm not actually offending anyone.

12. Bed-Stuy stinks. Your blog stinks. You stink. And everybody hates you!
Hmm. Well New York in general does smell rather pungent in the summer...and now you're saying my deodorant isn't working? Gosh. I'm soooo embarrassed. Hey wait a minute, I don't wear deodorant. Oh I get it. Everybody hates me? Wow. I'm flattered. I didn't realize that everybody knew who I was. Hurray, I'm famous!