WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE ??? Responsibility, Creativity and the World in Between

A new house, albeit an ugly one. Once full of promise and now full of garbage.

I moved to northern Bed-Stuy because of personal circumstance, not necessarily because I chose Bed-Stuy itself. My partner did. And now here we are. Were I to be younger and single I think I might have a different view of where we live. But I'm not. I'm a mother to a young child and everytime I look at the street where we live, it's through the eyes of a parent. Wondering if this is the best place to raise a child. I grew up in a white suburban neighbourhood in North Vancouver, Canada. As the only person of colour in my school and in my neighbourhood I felt my difference keenly. But then my personality too is that of a loner, which didn't help in the making of friends. But what I did have was a tree house, a creek with a bridge, fresh air, mountains, beaches. As a young child I wandered freely and without fear by myself on the streets surrounding my house. As a teenager I wanted out. I sought a place with greater appreciation for fashion and the arts, a place that was more cosmopolitan, a place that would appreciate me with all my eccentricities, my non-conformity, and my artistic sensibility. I came to New York.

Reggie and Celia, our Jamaican neighbours, have four children. Or they did. Several years ago, their oldest son, while walking with a friend to our subway station when he was eleven was stopped by someone in a car. For some reason, they got in. His parents haven't seen him since. Omar, an African American neighbour who works as a corrections officer, drives his children to school in another neighbourhood, drives his children to the De Kalb side of the Fort Green playground (rather than our local playground), and drives himself to another subway stop to go to work to avoid any possible confrontations at our stop. Despite the stretch of prefab housing with primarily Chinese people across the street, in Bed-Stuy we are the minority. But this is changing, and not necessarily for the better. What's 'better' anyway?

At any rate, here we are in New York. Brooklyn to be precise. Our neighbourhood is extremely diverse, and with the hipster influx perversely becoming more so. Provided of course that the white wave doesn't wash out the longtime residents of this neighbourhood as has happened in other once diverse neighbourhoods such as the lower east side in Manhattan. This is cannot be clearer as on the school tours we've been on in the past couple of months in both the East Village and Fort Greene. At the three tours we attended in the East Village 99% of the prospective children and their parents were white. In Fort Greene, 85% of the parents were white, 15% African American. We don't want our son to grow up in an all white community. We want our son to be aware of and celebrate other cultures, to have friends of every kind regardless of race, gender or sexual orientation, to be able to be his individual self and not be persecuted for it, to have the opportunity to experience great art and music from all over the world. To live in a vibrant multicultural city full of thinkers and doers. That is why we live in New York. In Bedford Stuyvesant we have a beautiful home with actual rooms to wander into, peace and quiet, a huge backyard in a neighbourhood with people who do not look like us so our family can meet all different kinds of people, people we would never get to know in a 'safe' white suburb. And that is why we live in Bed-Stuy.

On my good days, like when I’m weeding in front of our brownstone on a warm evening with my son drawing with chalk on the sidewalk, chatting with passing neighbours, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather live. On my bad days, like when we went to our local playground and a preteen boy yanked his pants down in front of my child and yelled, "Suck my dick!" I can think of many places I’d rather live.

I have lived in New York for over fifteen years, starting in Greenwich Village, moving to Park Slope, then to Prospect Heights and now here. I have been steadily working on my photography and writing since I arrived, until I had a child in 2004. At which point, that part of me took a backseat to being a responsible parent. In October 2007 I began this blog to start writing and photographing again, to put it out there for people to see and to both take a deeper look at and celebrate my neighbourhood. I have received more attention in the past four months than I could possibly have anticipated, being profiled on Brooklyn blogs: The Gowanus Lounge and Bed-Stuy Blog, and commented on and linked to from Curbed, Gothamist, New York Magazine, and recently the New York Times. Bed-Stuy Banana has had nearly 6000 visits and currently has 27 subscribers. I have received mostly positive feedback, and once, angry, negative bigoted feedback which I could easily dismiss considering the crude nature of the comments. For the most part, I considered posting on this blog to be a positive way of expressing my creativity and getting my work into the public eye.

However, this week I received an email from a black female local business owner.

As a lifetime resident of Bedford Stuyvesant I am often offended by your post on the Bed Stuy Banana. While it is your first amendment right to express your personal views it seems as if you are totally ignorant to the rich and cultural history of this enclave you call Bed Stuy.

I would love the enlighten you on some of the history that your misguided blog lacks. I appreciate the fact that you chose my community and I say my with no apologies.... My rich family history dates back to the early 1900's in Bedford Stuyvesant. We've sat on community boards, assisted with economic development initiatives, supported youth and senior programs with dollars as well as our valuable time, energy and efforts.

If this place is so horrible, lacks taste, goods & services or the nostalgic charm your accustomed to.....Why are you still Here????

We have begun an email dialogue of sorts, resulting in making a tentative date for me to meet her at her store next week. Since we have been dialoguing I have barely slept, thinking about valid issues that she raised such as:

Contrary to popular belief we don't all sell crack and condone violence. The fact that you cannot find a decent school for your son is a problem I've been faced with also.

I'm forced to relocate my children to nearby Clinton Hill and Bay Ridge for a quality education. My email probably started off on the wrong foot and for that I apologize. Reading your email just helped me to realize we (as in residents) feel the same way.

Regarding the style of writing, that's your choice and privilege but when the tone is negative it affects me greatly. I own a business here, that is an investment for myself and others like me. We strive so hard to build this community up and then there are blogs like yours that remind people of the crack houses and dirty playgrounds.

We have a slogan at my local Democratic Club, "If You Don't Vote, Then You Can't Complain". The truth is most people who have migrated here have major issues with Bedford Stuyvesant. They complain and yet do nothing to improve the community.

She did commend my partner and I for starting a Block Association. And I agreed to think about the effect my blog has on the community we live in. And since then when I consider what to post next, I have felt paralyzed. Since then I’ve begun to worry about roaming about our hood taking pictures, fearing that I may offend someone and they may let me know I have done so in no uncertain terms, not just by writing me a thoughtful email. I don’t feel the need to be universally liked. The fact that she doesn't appreciate my blog, although not the most pleasant thing, is hardly a matter of great concern. The fact that what I’m writing and photographing may affect long time residents of Bed-Stuy in a negative way, does. I believe in Chaos Theory, that the motion of a butterfly’s wings can start off a chain reaction of events that culminate in something much larger.

My intention was never to portray Bed-Stuy or its long time residents in a bad light. It was to take a closer look, to really see what was in front of me instead of easily dismissing or condemning it and hopping on the train to spend my time and money in Manhattan. To comment about what I find quirky, interesting, and unique in our neighbourhood in what I thought to be a light-hearted way. So now I am at a crossroads. I don’t think I can or should write about our neighbourhood in a way that this woman approves of. That would be stifling my natural creativity and be untrue. Every neighbourhood, no matter what its economic status or race of its residents has its positive and negative aspects. Both of which I've tried to highlight. And yet I feel a responsibility to this neighbourhood that we have, some would say, invaded. And I can’t grow a thicker skin or turn a blind eye. That’s not who I am. So where do I go from here? Discontinue my blog? Remove any means of commenting on my blog? Or continue as before, taking all comments, positive or negative with a grain of salt, considering what I may find important and letting it grow in a natural way. We shall see. For now, I am taking a break.